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These are taxing times. The relentless flow of bad news, coupled with abiding worry about what’s coming next has tested the mood of even the best-natured people. Many of us are tense and tired even if we’re healthy, far from falling bombs, and not ourselves engaged in political shouting matches.
Still, we strive to put one foot in front of the other in our endeavors—at home, in our communities, and on the job, as well. We feel the strain privately and when we engage with others. Negotiators (you and I included) have no special immunity when it comes to stress. But there are ways to lessen its impact when we seek to make a deal or resolve a dispute.
Emotional baggage
Step one is being mindful of burden and proactively addressing it. I’m speaking here about mood broadly, our general outlook , not transitory reactions like a quick laugh at an unexpected joke or an “ouch” after clumsily stubbing a toe.
Rather it’s something more enduring that psychologists call “core affect.” At bottom, it’s about whether we’re having a good day or a bad one. We may not be aware of why we’re up or down—or even conscious that that’s the case—but our baseline emotional state affects the way we see the world and as a result, how we think and act. The consequences can be huge.
For instance, if you’re the parent of high school senior, who’s biting her nails over getting accepted to the college of her choice, better cross your own fingers in hopes that her application is read on a beautiful day. Studies show that admissions committees say yes to applicants more often when warm sunlight is shining through the window than on days that are dark and rainy.1
Or let’s say a friend had the misfortune of having been wrongly convicted for a serious crime. He has served time as a model prisoner and now, at last, is up for parole. He should cross all his fingers and his toes, as well, that the board will hear the case early in the day (when the odds of his release are 64 percent) rather than at the end, when his chances will be virtually zero.
People on parole boards and admission committees want to make the right decisions, but extraneous factors can warp their thinking. Likewise for us, whether our mood is driven by what we had for breakfast, or nowadays, the state of the world. In his recent book, Emotional: How Feelings Shape Our Thinking, Leonard Mlodinow says:
“Because core affect reflects our bodily state, as we grow more tired and hungry, our core affect grows more negative. That affects our decision making--we become more suspicious, critical, and pessimistic—and we usually don’t realize it.”
Lugging suspicion, criticism, and pessimism to the bargaining table is bound to lower your chances of getting a good result. The expectation that things could get ugly can make you defensive and quick to find fault.
To avoid that, look inward. If you sense negative feelings as you prepare to negotiate, step back and check what’s driving them. Is it the particular matter at hand or, more likely, is it a general feeling of weariness and frustration?
Get help, as well. It’s always good practice to recruit a friend or colleague to provide a fresh, disinterested view of your outlook and strategy, but few people really make this a habit. If there ever were a time to so, it is now.
Do a role-play session with your “coach,” with him or her acting as the other party. In a safe environment, stress-test your own hot buttons. That will give you confidence that if your counterpart does say something threatening or offensive, you’ll know how to lower the temperature in the room.
Look outward, as well. The person that you’re dealing with may well be feeling just as frazzled as you are, maybe more so. If they say something ambiguous, don’t jump to the conclusion that their intent was hostile. Look for a more benign interpretation before retaliating in kind.
Finally, start your conversation by surfacing stress as a shared problem. You might say something like:
“Great to see you. I’m looking forward to crafting a deal that works well for both of us. But I have to admit that with everything that’s happening in the world, I’m not sure I’m as clever as I’d like to be. How are you doing these crazy days?”
You might express yourself differently, of course, depending on your own style, who it is that you’re dealing with, and the case at hand. But be positive (that’s the point of the first two sentences). Also, be open about your own feelings (the third sentence). And finally, be empathic (the question at the end ).
Doing this won’t guarantee success, but starting on a note like this is costless. Emotions are contagious, both bad ones and good ones. Inviting your counterpart to be interested in how you’re doing and how you feel is always a good thing.
Housekeeping
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