A quick word first
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By coincidence last month, two Jazz readers asked me for suggestions about “negotiating with jerks,“ as they both put it. I posted a survey to get more examples of jerkiness, plus a sense of what people learned from their experience. I thank everyone for their contributions.1
Here, in those readers’ own words, are six varieties of jerky behavior, plus each person’s post-negotiation reflections. (I’ve also tossed in some brief suggestions myself, highlighted below as Advice.)
As you read through the examples, consider what classifies someone a jerk. Is there a behavioral checklist with terms like hostile, pre-offended, arrogant, rude, condescending, dishonest, self-righteous, self-dealing, insulting, and provocative? How many of those buttons have to be pushed to confirm the diagnosis?
Think, too, about double standards. Years ago a lawyer friend of mine once said:
“If I use hard-ball tactics, I’m just pushing to get a good deal. But if you do exactly the same thing, you’re a colossal jerk.”
I’m eager to hear about difficult negotiators you’ve dealt with and how you coped with them. Please use the comment feature for this article to share your thoughts!
1. Classic hardball
The reader’s problem. “Recently I was running the sale side of a transaction to a private equity investor. The guy on the other side fit all the characteristics of what I would call a [expletive deleted]. There was lots of posturing (‘I've done this a thousand times’), threats to walk away (‘If we don't resolve this today, we will walk away’), etc.”
Advice. Bill Ury’s classic Getting Past No recommends that in tense moments, don’t mirror the other party’s behavior. Instead, “Go to the balcony.” That’s his metaphor for mental detachment. Bill says, that “From the balcony, you can calmly evaluate the conflict almost as if you were a third party.”
The reader’s own reflection. “What I personally found helpful (enjoyable?) was to stay 'above' the person's behavior (i.e., not engaging in the posturing or threats) while still 'naming' the behavior. For example, after a long tirade, I would say something like, ‘Thank you, I do very much appreciate the posturing, but our view is XXX.’ I felt that this helped to put the person in his place, while not engaging in a back-and-forth escalation.”
2. Good cop/Bad cop
The reader’s problem. “Four-person negotiation (2 per side), strangers, over Zoom. The only woman of the group played Bad Cop. Clearly deliberate strategy because the issues/concerns raised were objectively insignificant. Tactic was pretending to be offended by suggested contract language.”
Advice. Chris Voss’s Never Split the Difference is packed with great advice for handling tense moments in negotiation. Here’s a thought he just offered about our topic here. “Jerks love to be heard. Simple tools from our arsenal would be lots of paraphrases, leading up to a great empathic summary. The strategy would be to satiate their need to be heard and feel in control, and they relax . . . and become more open to influence.”
The reader’s own reflection. “We mostly ignored it. We let the Jerk talk. We then asked to caucus in order to create distance and reduce tension, then came back and basically moved on without addressing the issues. (‘We'll get back to you’). In a follow-up discussion we picked a moment to push back hard, and we also added a 3rd member to our negotiating team who could be Our Jerk.”
3. Slash and burn
The reader’s problem. “I once had a very bad negotiation experience with a subordinate who had a severe personality problem. Brutal tactics were part of their strategy.”
Advice. I take “brutal” to mean threats and yelling. The problem may be much bigger than your particular relationship. Recruit allies where others likely are dealing with the person’s inappropriate behavior.
The reader’s own reflection. “I tried to modulate it and used mediators to help out. The problem is that the hostile employee also saw any mediator as a foe. Time helped somewhat, but the relationship remained strained. The employee was a solid employee when their focus was on the job.”
4. End run
The reader’s problem. ”I was negotiating to spin out a division into a separate company. The person I was negotiating with was using all sorts of bad tactics, and was also taking more care of his own position than the company he was negotiating for.”
Advice. Make sure you’re dealing with the right person.
The reader’s own reflection. “I contacted the CEO and the board of the company and pointed out his behavior - and refused to continue the negotiations with this person on the other side. The company insisted that he continue the negotiations, but the bad behaviors completely changed, and this person became one of the most valuable board members in the new company.”
5. Social burdens
The reader’s problem. “I vividly recall one instance in which I was sitting across from an executive negotiating a packaging supplier agreement. The first thing the man said after we went through our introductions and began our discussions was: ‘You look exactly like my daughter.’ I'm sure my distinct feeling of deflation was not concealed on my face.”
Advice. Consider the intent of the speaker. Sometimes demeaning comments are intentional power plays. Other times they may be the result of awkwardness or discomfort. For the person who hears a comment like this, that ambiguity compounds the problem. As an old white guy who doesn’t have to deal with condescension, I’m hesitant to tell a woman or a person of color how to respond to things like this. Please post a comment if you have some suggestions.
The reader’s own reflection. “I have faced similar types of encounters throughout my professional life and have had differing ways of responding -- some successful; some not. Perhaps it brings up a different issue than just simply the question of how to adjust when dealing with jerks. Do those who look different need to adjust differently in some negotiations? Perhaps it's like job interviewing. When you look young, or perhaps are different, such as obese or suffering from a disability, you may have a disadvantage. “
6. When to walk away . . . and when to run
The reader’s case. “I was negotiating with a bully when, to my surprise, after I anchored high (which this bully always does), he did not make any counteroffer and defaulted to claim the victim position of the situation. The bully drew a story where everybody was out to get him, but he did everything right. And no one could get him out of that story. Even when there was no deal, my clients were pleased because they prefer to deal with the bully as a victim instead of them being the victims of the bully (jerk). This is not a minor bully. This person has been in jail for racketeering.”
Advice. If you always come to agreement, you’re probably being too agreeable. Even if the terms of a contract meet your needs, you need confidence that you can collaborate effectively with the other party to implement the deal. With a convicted racketeer, the prospects for that seem dim.
The reader’s own reflection. “I treated this person with the highest respect and a lot of procedural fairness, made this person feel in control of the negotiation process, and I listened but confronted with documentation when needed. We looked back and into the future, but no agreement was reached.”
Housekeeping
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I haven’t used any readers’ names here, as some examples involve on-going relationships.