A quick word first
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Waltzing with scorpions
When we sit down to negotiate, there often are two parallel negotiations going on, one explicit, the other largely tacit yet very important.
On the surface, there’s the matter at hand—the deal we’re trying to reach or the dispute we need to address. Simultaneously, through our behavior—what we do and how we do it—we’re also negotiating how to negotiate.
My colleague Deborah Kolb calls this second layer the “shadow negotiation.” (That’s the title of her superb book with Judith Williams.) The shadows are the subtext, not stated, at least not fully. Instead it’s performed in real time. Think of it as a dance. A graceful waltz in one case. In another, two circling scorpions, watching each other eye to eye. The parties’ moves can be either in or out of sync.
It is through this mutual interaction we establish the Who, What, and How of the process.
For the Who part, we’re enacting our roles. Are we friends or are we foes? In status and power, are we equals or is one of us up and the other down?
For the What, we’re defining whether this will be a hardball haggle or joint problem-solving. And is it a single, discrete transaction or one part of larger, long term collaboration?
As for the How, are we just winging it, or have we jointly committed to a process for moving our conversation forward?
A few years ago, a friend asked me to teach a session about “negotiating how to negotiate” in his course. Thanks to Debbie and others, I’ve come to understand the dynamics pretty well. In my friend’s class, I planned to show contrasting video clips of two different pairs of experienced negotiations—unscripted—relating to each other very differently.
But things quickly went off the rails. After a brief introduction, I called up the video. It popped up immediately on the big screen at the front of the room. But the audio wasn’t working. Nobody could fix it. We couldn’t hear a word of what the negotiators were saying.
It seemed like the whole session was headed down the drain. But in the spirit of improvisation I decided—not that I had much choice—to play the video even though there was no sound. To my surprise and relief, it went great. That’s because an important part of the shadow negotiation is performed physically. With the audio off, interpersonal behavior was front and center.
Just compare these two images, taken in the early seconds of each of the two negotiations. To see the videos, check out the “Negotiating How to Negotiate” module on my HBS Negotiate 1-2-3 platform. (It’s free.)
PAIR A:
PAIR B:
See how the parties in both pairs mirror each other, though in very different ways. In Pair A the two are far apart, literally and figuratively. In Pair B, both parties are leaning in, sleeves rolled up, already at work. My bet is that this behavior was largely unconscious. Nevertheless, it both reflected and shaped the way that the negotiators enacted the who, what and how of their process.
As you may have guessed, the shadow cast over Pair A made it a tough negotiation. The parties’ relationship was strained from start to finish. They ultimately reached agreement but not a very creative one. By contrast, Pair B’s positive engagement helped them craft a deal that was mutually beneficial, and likely paved the way for successful implementation.
Moves and turns
Words count, too, in the shadow negotiation. In The Art of Negotiation, I wrote about a woman—call her Lisa Tschorn—who was meeting with her boss Stuart Wells about a long overdue raise and promotion. A year earlier they’d had a similar talk, but it prompted only a token bump in her salary. Stuart acknowledged Lisa’s diligence, but said she needed more seasoning to demonstrate “real spark and initiative.”
This time, after working hard the previous twelve months, Lisa felt she was ready for a second try. Early in conversation, she reminded her boss with pride about a new product launch that she had led. But he brushed aside her point by saying, “You did a good job, Lisa, but you were working alongside Clark and Frank. You’re not claiming all the credit, are you?”
In a single sentence, her boss had dismissed her best argument and put her in her place. The ball was in her court to re-negotiate the who part of the equation. In the heat of the moment she had to maintain her composure and also answer his put-down.
Debbie Kolb catalogs four kinds of moves and turns, as she calls them, to respond to such tactics: correcting, diverting, interrupting, and naming. You should have them ready at hand in case you are challenged.
A correcting move takes issue with an assertion and presents a different way of seeing things. Lisa might respond by saying, “Yes, I appreciated Clark and Frank’s help, but check with them. They’ll tell you I did the lion’s share of the work.” (Anticipating challenges is an important part of preparation. Lisa could make sure in advance that her colleagues would stand up for her.)
A diverting move is a variant on this approach. It seeks to depersonalize the conversation by focusing on the substance of the problem. Rather than rising to the bait, Lisa could remind her boss of the revenue her new product is generating and document all the effort she invested to make it succeed.
Other times an interrupting move is best. Even a short break can give everyone a chance to settle down and regain perspective. When that’s not possible, other process moves can have the same effect. For example, Lisa might take a breath and say, “Let’s step back for a moment and see what we agree on. We talked about a promotion a year ago. And just now you acknowledged I’m doing a good job since then. Let’s figure out the best way for us to move forward.” It’s a way to getting your hand on the wheel steer the conversation.
Finally, there’s naming, making a blunt statement that you don’t like the power play and won’t put up with it.
That’s a high-risk move, though. You may be 100 percent right, but it puts your counterpart in a position where he may think his only choice is caving in or counterattacking. If somebody angers you, though, don’t suffer silently. For both your sakes, give the person a chance to self-correct before you storm out the door.
From theory to practice
It’s easy to recognize the shadow negotiation if you’re a bystander with no stake in the outcome. The challenge is managing this part of the process at the same time you’re trying to forge the substance of a deal. Truly paying heed involves more than merely processing the literal words that others speak. It also includes sensing their unspoken emotional nature and needs. Being well prepared and emotionally balanced, free of distractions, expands your bandwidth.
Throughout the negotiation make it a habit to regularly ask yourself:
Are there hidden agendas? If so, you need to address them.
Are you and your counterpart engaging with each other productively? If not, maybe it’s time to try a different approach.
And are you agreed on the negotiation process? You won’t get far if you’re not.
On this last point, when the negotiation is about to begin, after the small talk, confirming the process is a good start. For example, ask if your counterpart expects to settle the matter this afternoon, or is it going to take more meetings. Will you dig right into the proposals on the table, or first share your respective priorities and concerns? (I usually recommend the latter.)
You can make this a shared task by asking questions like, “How can we make the best use of the time we have today?” with an emphasis on the “we“ Reaching agreement on the process helps get things going on a positive note.
Housekeeping
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Many thanks!
Mike
The Shadow Negotiation
Here's a PS for this article.
I just connected with Debbie Kolb, who reminded me about another move she recommends for shifting the conversation when someone tries to put you down.
She calls it role-reversal. Ask the other person, "What would you do if you were in my situation?" It spotlights your interests and nudges the other person to see the situation from your point of view.
I hope you don't often need this, but when you do, give it a try.