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Mike Wheeler
There’s a long history of men interrupting women. It happens in Senate hearings, board meetings, and in everyday conversations, as well. It certainly happens in negotiation, too.
Talking over other people isn’t a one-way street, of course. Sometimes women interrupt men, though research shows that men butt in far more frequently. That may be due to mere thoughtlessness, but it also can be meant to dominate the interaction. Whatever the speaker’s motivation, for the person being stepped on, female or male, the challenge is how to respond effectively.
Fight fire with fire
The best advice I’ve ever seen was in a 2017 post by Rose Eveleth on Last Word about Nothing titled, “What I Learned About Interruption from Talk Radio.”
Eveleth says that when dealing with a chronic over-talker, don’t bother with politeness. It doesn’t work. The speaker won’t have a flash of social awareness and then magically shut up.
“You will wait forever for them to notice that they are doing this,” Eveleth says. “You will die or fall asleep or the universe will end in a white-hot explosion before they will stop. So, don’t wait for a pause. There won’t be any.”
Instead, “start your sentence just before your partner has ended theirs.” The key words in this advice are just before. Jumping in is a matter of timing, getting your hands on the steering wheel just as the other person is wrapping up a particular thought. You have to cut him off before he gets started on something else.
Eveleth discovered this by listening to political rants and sports babble on the radio. (Admittedly, a high price to pay for that wisdom.) A less painful way to master this technique is monitoring conversations at parties and business meetings. Put yourself in the shoes of a person who’s being talked over. Look for turn-the-table moments where he or she could jump back into the exchange.
Sneaky questions
Another practical tip Eveleth recommends is “The Sneak Attack Question.” It is actually an interruption in disguise. “While your monologuer is talking, say over them ‘Jim (or whatever their name is), can I ask you something?’”
People liked to be asked things. It seems like an expression of interest and respect. Hearing the request, the interrupter will stop in expectation that he or she will be invited to prolong their lecture.
The sneaky part of the tactic, Eveleth says, is that instead of asking a question, just flat out make your point. You could even begin by saying, “The way I see it . . .” or “Where I think you’re wrong . . .” And there you are, back in the driver’s seat where you belong.
Nowhere in the post does Eveleth mention calling out the interrupter or saying something like “Can I get a word in edgewise here?” I second that recommendation. That statement is a whiney accusation, one that’s likely to provoke a hostile or defensive response. As frustrated and angry as you may be, the odds of winning an apology are slim. The phrase also takes you off topic. You’re criticizing the person’s behavior rather than making your point.
Double standards
Eveleth acknowledges that even with more nuanced moves, there still today is one rule for men and another for women. Males have license to be assertive and make wisecracks without paying much of a penalty. Usually not so for females.
Eveleth recalls being “called rude, brash, prickly, harsh, abrasive, and the whole rest of the words that are synonyms for ‘assertive woman.’” But if that’s the price for getting to speak, it can be worth it.
One final point. Sometimes we’re neither the interrupter nor the person being squashed. Instead, we’re simply a bystander. If you’re in a meeting at work and a colleague is taking all the airtime, interrupt the speaker to bring others into the conversation.
Saying something like, “Richard. I think we’ve got the gist of it, but I’m curious if there are other perspectives. Specifically, Alicia, what do you think?”
Richard would have a tough time arguing that others shouldn’t be heard. And your intervention won’t seem self-serving. (Of course, if you’ve done your homework, you may have invoked Alicia’s name, because you know that she’ll be an excellent advocate for the position that you support.)
Hide your smile when she takes over. You and Alicia can share a good laugh about it later, when the meeting is over.
Housekeeping
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